Category: Humor
Rating: G--Unless you have something against cute, fuzzy hamsters named Bob.
Disclaimer: I just borrowed the Bat Family!!! They're not mine. Bob is though! I claim all rights on him. :)
Author's Note: This story is a sequel to 'Meet Bob' which is conveniently archived here: if you want quick access to it. It's also in the list archives if you want to dig it out there. :) On a side note, don't you think Bob should be the next character of the month for Bludhaven? :) (Bob for President!!!)
Archiving: Anyone that wants to! :)

The Hamster Has to Die
by The Karebear

The first inkling Bruce Wayne had that it was going to be a very bad day came to him when he first opened his eyes. There was a large black paper circle on the ceiling above his bed with a piece of rope attached to the top. That wasn't the worst of it. Across the center were big, bold white letters stating "Not Bob". It was going to be a very bad day.

With a heavy heart he slowly got dressed, warily looking for any surprises along the way. He had seen some of the traps Dick and Tim set for each other. A trickle of fear made it's way into his brain, but he quickly pushed it away. He could handle anything they dished out.

After looking out the door with a mirror, for you never knew when a giant hamster was going to come flying at you from nowhere, Bruce slowly proceeded down the corridor. Step after cautious step finally led him to the staircase where he began to follow it downward at a slightly increased pace. All clear so far. The next stair had a large lump on it though and when he stepped downward a large 'SQUEAK' issued from the lump. On reflex he jumped up and back. Unfortunately that's not something you can easily do on a set of stairs and instead of landing on his feet as he normally would have on a flat stretch of ground, he landed on the edge of one of the steps and lost his balance. The scene that followed this wasn't pretty and has been omitted from the story. Let's just say that there wasn't a happy billionaire to be found at Wayne Manor that morning.

Bruce walked into the kitchen with a rather sour look on his face. A stuffed hamster dangled from his right hand. A small little purple collar was around it's neck and the pink lettering proclaimed that the stuffed hamster's name was 'Bob'. The stuffed hamster was promptly dropped into the garbage can while Alfred looked on with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"I take it that Master Dick and Master Timothy are up and about already this morning?"

He just grunted slightly at his aged companion. "They're going to be something if I catch them in my sight during the next twenty-four hours, but it definately isn't going to be up. More like down and out." A cup of coffee was placed in front of him and he took a grateful sip before opening up the newspaper that had previously been laying in the middle of the table. A piece of paper slipped out of the fold and landed to the right of his coffee. Proudly displayed across the top of the paper was a large picture of a hamster. Below it read the caption 'This is Bob'. The bottom half of the paper had a large picture of a comic bomb and the words, 'This is a Bomb'. The last insult came at the very bottom where in a very goofy font was 'Any Questions?'. Ever so calmly the piece of paper was crumpled into a very tiny ball and laid aside. He was going to be calm about this. Very calm. No retaliation was needed. None at all. He would let them have their fun. It was bound to wear off if he didn't react. At least he hoped.

The drive to work was uneventful. No stuffed hamsters had been found lying on his car seat, or for that matter anywhere near his car. Perhaps the note in his newspaper had been the end of the Dynamic Jokesters daily fun? Even if it wasn't the end of it he would still be safe at work.

Famous Last Words.

At noon there was a knock at the office door. Distracted permission was sent to enter it. The person that entered was the last person he ever expected though. It was a pimply teenager clutching a small cage in his hands.

"Uh, Mr. Wayne? I have a delivery for you. Already been paid for and everything." The boy edged closer to the massive desk and placed the cage on top of it. Now that the boys hands were out of the way Bruce could finally see what was inside. A hamster.

"I was uh told to tell you that her name is Bobette and she's Bob's sister. I'm not sure who Bob is... But uh... I'm just conveying the message. So, I'll be, uh, going now." The boy tried to inch his way back out of the office but a steely voice stopped him.

"Take it back, tell them delivery was refused."

The boy glanced nervously from the cage to Wayne. "But, uh, she's already paid for. I can't refund the money."

"I don't care. Take. It. Back."

The boy nodded quickly and grabbed the cage before making a dash for the door.

Bruce just sighed and turned back to the work on his screen. Unfortunately his documents were no longer showing on the screen. Instead HampsterDance had been pulled up and dozens of the little rodents were dancing all over his screen. A second later the music started. It took all he could muster not to smash his fist into the monitor. He would just have to explain how it happened to Lucius then and at this point in time he really wasn't up to it. Instead he viciously clicked the mouse on the close button. It made him feel slightly better as the awful music was cut off in mid chord, but what lay behind the internet window on his desktop was even worse. The entire theme had been changed so hamsters were everywhere. The worst part was the wallpaper. It was a picture of the real Bob with Babs, Dick, and Tim holding him. The hamster held what looked to Bruce like a triumphant look.

"The Hamster Has to Die." That was all that was too it. All evidence of this blunder had to be erased. Starting with the hamster. Especially if it was going to go around smirking at him like that. He slammed the power button on the computer and stood up. Luckily he knew where the little rodent was currently being housed.

It was a short trip to the apartment that Barbara Gordan called home. After several seconds of pounding heavily on the door it finally clicked open. There was no one behind the door so it had apparently been opened remotely. He pushed the door open farther and stormed into where Babs was sitting in front of her massive computer system. A look of slight surprise went through her eyes then dread settled in for a few seconds before she managed to blank her expression.

"Why Bruce, how nice to see you. Black Canary was just talking about you oddly enough."

He grunted slightly. "That's nice, I'm sure I don't want to know what she was saying."

An indignant voice came out of the speakers. "Hey, I was saying nice things about you Bats. Remind me not to do it again."

It was all Babs could do to stiffle a giggle. "She was talking about your hind region and how nice it looked actually."

The voice from the speakers floated out again. "Like I said, I was saying nice things. Of course then I've heard rumors that that area almost got blown up recently. Tsk Bats, shouldn't be sitting on bombs. Not good for the body." The voice paused dramatically... "But then I've also heard hamsters can do the same thing. Amazing critters aren't they Babs?"

It was all Bruce could to do to not comment. Instead he focused his mind on his objective. Ridding the world of Bob. His cage was toward the back of the room where Babs kept the backup batteries for her computer, but the main part of the cage was empty. He was assuming the fluffball was somewhere in the massive network of habit trail running throughout the room. Bob's housing arrangement had gotten upgraded when he proved to be a worthy member of the family by embarrassing the Bat. While Babs and Dinah continued to insult him he started scanning all of the pipes trying to find out where he was. Finally tucked into a bend near the doorway he spotted the rodent.

Bob's little beady eyes stared out at him innocently as he advanced on the trail. With one quick snap the trail was open and Bob was in Bruce's large hands. He gripped the rodent tightly around the middle and made a dash for the window, ignoring Barbara's panicked cries from behind him.

It was then that Bruce realized something. The bundle he had tightly clutched in his hands wasn't moving. And it wasn't warm either. With dread he slowly opened his hands. Instead of a warm, fuzzy hamster, a cold, fuzzy stuffed hamster looked back up at him. The stuffed hamster was deposited on the floor and he stormed out the door. The rodent had thwarted him again.

The rest of the day proceeded fairly uneventfully if you discount the discovery of 20 more stuffed hamsters, 30 more statements that Bob did not equal Bomb, a poster calling for the rights of hamsters, and more digital camera pictures of the real Bob with "Real Bob" written at the bottom. Those were usually accompanied by pictures of a stuffed hamster that had "Fake Bob" at the bottom, but not always.

Batman almost didn't go out that night, but he knew that would make him look like a coward. Besides, he could handle anything else that Dick and Tim threw his way, right?


The five-hundred stuffed hamsters that were securely lodged in the back of the Batmobile and the fifteen real hamsters that were cuddled on the driver's seat weren't enough to turn him around. It was the picture of him and Bob together just after he had been formally introduced that had apparently been taken from a security camera that turned him around quickly. The disbelieving and embarrassed look on his face was worse than he could have imagined. Even the cowl didn't help to cover it up any. It just wasn't worth it. It was going to be a quiet night at home for Bruce Wayne tonight. Unfortunately for Bob he hadn't given up his vendetta. Tomorrow was another day for revenge.

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