Unless you follow Young Justice, in which case just leave me alone, OK? It's a robot Lobo. Or his clone. Yeah, that's the ticket...

Big Red "S" of a Disclaimer: This story features Superman and the cast of the Tenchi Muyo! OAV series, which are trademarks of DC Comics and AIC/Pioneer LDC, Inc. You can figure out which bits were whose, I suspect. By the by, this isn't an issue of ACTION COMICS either. I just needed the title for my sequence, and the phrase "Action Fanfic" makes me want to throw up. Anyway, this is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don't archive it without my permission. As always, don't be shy.

Half-Massed Continuity Note: Remember Blue Kryptonite? That time Yugi made a purple monster out of a cellular phone? Well, Superman sure don't, and Tenchi would have to scratch his head over that phone dealie. That's because both characters are involved in multiple continuities, each different from the last. Come to think of it, I know about the phone monster and I still scratch my head trying to understand it. Man, I hate Yugi.

As for what I decided to do about this, well, I went into that in the first arc of this story, so anyone who's followed me up to this point knows the score. And if you've just come in, well, it'd take more than a continuity note to save you now...

Confidential to Ashland: The tuna casserole recipe finally came in handy. I'll have to actually make some one of these days, if I can ever get off these reconstituted freeze dried meals...


Original Tenchi Muyo! concept by Masaki Kajishima and Hiroki Hayashi
Superman created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster


The Inhuman Condition: 5
THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN AND RYOKO

by Mike Smith


Her name was Ryoko. Currently residing in the hallowed halls of heaven itself.

Close enough for all practical purposes, anyway. The air was sweet with the fading smells of a meal cooked on a hibachi a few hours ago. Her afternoon nap had gone even better than the one she'd taken this morning, now that she was awake to evaluate it. There was no enemy to fight, no planet to ravage of its worldly treasures. Here it was all for the taking, provided she rake the yard or some other trifling chore. Child's play for the most powerful and fearsome pirate to ever ride the spaceways. And there was no forgetting the presence of her one true love--the crown jewel on a world tantamount to paradise--the single most impressive feature of this alien land of Earth--her darling Tenchi.

Today, she swore, she would win his love once and for all. She swore that every day, admittedly, but this time she had a good feeling about it. It was a beautiful, wonderful thing, the anticipation of winning her one true love. Then she'd bang him. Crudely put, but that was the idea. Let the princesses and their elaborate courts handle the bad poetry. She was more into dirty limericks herself.

She cleared her throat and rolled off the couch she had been sleeping on. The first step was to work up a little privacy. Willing herself to levitate off the ground, she drifted up the stairs and found the bathroom, with a statuesque blonde standing at the open door. It was a perfect moment, but she'd come to expect that sort of thing on the Earth.

"Now I want you to do an extra good job this time, Washuu!" the blonde said cheerfully. Her sentiment was an interesting contrast to the sophisticated handgun she had trained on the girl busily scrubbing the toilet with a toothbrush. "Hard work is an excellent tool for rehabilitation!"

"Nooooo, the RT-40000 Automatic Toilet Polishing/Sanitizing Apparatus is an excellent tool!" Washuu shot back. "This," the redheaded child snarled, brandishing her worn toothbrush at her guard, "is the stone age. With indoor plumbing."

Ryoko laughed at the exchange. She wasn't positive on the circumstances, as she had been either napping, drinking, or wandering the forest when it all happened, but recently Washuu had apparently taken it upon herself to use her scientific genius to terrorize some bustling metropolis on the other side of the planet. Some local busybody (named "Superman", given the buzz around the house) managed to outwit her and forced her to surrender herself to the authorities. That alone was priceless--that the arrogant little brat got beat at her own game by some trumped-up native. Still, the best part was that since Washuu was an alien, the proper authority turned out to be the blonde, Galaxy Police Detective Mihoshi there. And she had sentenced Washuu to hard labor, scrubbing a toilet twice a day until it was brilliantly white.

"Ryoko!" Mihoshi cried out, spinning around to meet the source of the laughter. "I didn't hear you come in!"

Ryoko smiled and reached out to push Mihoshi's firearm to her left, pointed away from anyone else. "Yeah, funny how that works, huh? Honestly, Mihoshi, if I haven't learned to sneak up on the fuzz by now, what kind of space pirate would I be, really? But that's not why I'm here."

Mihoshi nodded at this and then looked back at Washuu. "Oh, I see! You have to, ah, make use of the facility, right?"

"What? No, no. I came to tell you that it's your turn to rake the leaves today," Ryoko said, trying her best to keep her patience around Mihoshi. How she even passed the Galactic Civil Service Exam was one of the great mysteries of time and space, but the upside was that she was an easy mark most of the time. Candy, baby, flick of the wrist.

"Wow! Really?" Mihoshi said in amazement. "I guess I was so wrapped up in my official Galaxy Police duty, I forgot my obligations as a guest in Tenchi's home, huh?"

"Not a problem," Ryoko assured her. "I'll watch over the prisoner while you take care of that matter!" She offered a mock salute as if she'd been officially deputized for the job. "You can count on me."

"Wow, thanks, Ryoko!" Mihoshi shouted, grabbing her by the neck and hugging her tightly. Ryoko felt the cold metal of her sidearm poking against her head, and she quickly became intangible to escape Mihoshi's ironclad grasp.

"Yeah, just try not to shoot anything while you're out there, OK?" Ryoko asked. Mihoshi nodded enthusiastically, and raced for the stairs to complete her mission.

"Ha-haaah! Sucker," Ryoko chuckled once she was out of earshot. Now she turned to face Washuu. "Sooo, can you see your reflection yet?"

"Still picking out the easiest targets, eh, Ryoko?" Washuu grumbled between scrubs.

She leaned her back against the hallway wall and raised her hands behind her head, lost in a flurry of pale blue hair. "Just an old fan of a good joke," she replied. "But you can read my mind, right? I'm sure you can see the irony in the self-proclaimed Greatest Scientist Ever bowing down to the porcelain god."

+Your mind,+ Washuu projected mentally, +Is a jumble of confused emotions... the phrase 'bang Tenchi' appears prevalently, and I'm not sure I want to know where you picked THAT language up. Do you kiss your mother with that brain?+

+See, it's funny because toilets are funny,+ Ryoko went on, ignoring her. +And you're cleaning one. Toilet, toilet, toilet! It's just fun to say.+

+I'm sure Tenchi would find your incisive wit most attractive,+ Washuu thought back. +Look, I'm kinda busy now, so why don't you just go think at someone else, huh?+

+So how come you don't just weasel out of it?+ Ryoko asked. +You don't see me raking leaves, do you?+

+New knowledge is its own reward, little one,+ Washuu answered. +But it still always comes at a price. I learned a long time ago that there's no shame in paying it... so long as you get a fair deal. Not that I'd expect a moldy pirate with sagging breasts to understand that, but there it is.+

+Keep teasing me like that,+ Ryoko threatened, +And I'll see to it that you'll be reduced to cleaning my bathroom one day! Oh, wait, you already are. Carry on, then.+

There was a tingling sensation inside her mind, and with it, Ryoko realized that Washuu had ended the mental discourse between them. Good, she thought. It was a real pain having someone monitor her thoughts the way Washuu had been doing since the day they met, and now that she had sufficiently pestered her, Washuu had severed the connection for a while. That gave her the freedom to pursue her goals unhindered. And as an added bonus, it was a nice change of pace for her to come out ahead in their battle of wits. She'd really have to thank that Superman guy sometime...


"I could frag that Superman clown!"

"That's not why we're here," Nagi snapped. "Keep your mind on the task at hand."

"How can I, babe? Not when I got you runnin' through it all night."

Nagi reared back and elbowed him in the side as hard as possible. There was a little give to him, but his only real reaction was to chuckle gruffly and light up another cigar.

"Sheesh! You two wanna quit rockin' the boat back there? Yer worse than my spawn!"

Nagi rubbed the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. It had only been a week ago that she'd picked up on a tip that an old bounty she'd once lost had resurfaced on this gravel-road of a planet, and more--after seven hundred years there was still someone out there willing to pay for her capture. It seemed like a perfect setup. She'd race to the scene at top speed, take the bounty by surprise, and collect the reward. Unfortunately not only had she lost her usual mode of travel, but she'd come to learn that the planet was bristling with powerful and hostile life-forms, meaning she'd need help just to get around the place.

"Don't get yer poncho in a twist, babe. It's just that everytime I come to this podunk town, him an' me usually mix it up somethin' nice. We been cruising around here for freakin' ever and no sign of him. Nothin'. It makes me wonder..."

"Help" in this case turned out to be the beer-swilling, cigar smoking maniac to her left. He called himself Lobo, but she hadn't figured out what planet he came from, or much else about him for that matter, save for the fact that he'd visited Earth repeatedly and always came back unscathed. How was becoming an utter mystery, as he seemed totally determined to draw the attention of the natives in order to pick a fight.

"Wonder is right," K'raamdyn agreed, jerking on the wheel of his ship to avoid an oncoming hovercraft. Nagi had hired him to bring them to Earth, and once they set down his main ship in a wooded area, he offered to pilot them to their quarry in the city using this smaller vessel, which happened to bear an uncanny resemblance to the indigenous vehicles around them. "I been to this Metropolis before, and they didn't have nunna these flying cars back then. Course, it's good fer us 'cause we don't stick out so much, but I must be the only cab in the sky that knows how to run one of these things. Maybe Superman got sick of all the midair collisions."

"Naw, he's still around," Lobo sneered. "I got his scent down a long time back. That's what I'm tryin' to figure out. Good chance he's on to us, and he's pickin' his spot--"

"Will you two shut up about this guy?" Nagi demanded. "We're not after him, and we're not here to find out how the natives figured out how to get a car off the ground. All we have to do is wait until--that's it. Set us down over there," she ordered, pointing out the backseat window at a wooden booth below.

"Your nickel, lady," K'raamdyn shrugged. The jaundiced cabbie yanked on a stick behind his steering wheel and the craft descended to the ground as it emitted a high-pitched beeping noise to warn pedestrians to clear the area below.

"Hey, does this job include an expense account?" Lobo asked. "Cause I gotta get me somethin' to eat soon. The 'Bo don't function at maximum fraggacity on an empty stomach, babe."

"We'll deal with that later," Nagi fumed. "Let's just find... there!"

A cream colored animal leaped off the top of the wooden booth and into Nagi's waiting arms. She held it up and smiled grimly. "Any luck so far?" she asked.

"Cool, you got us some carry-out," Lobo grunted as he snatched the creature from her hands. It let out a howl of terror as he held it above his open mouth and licked his lips.

"Put. Him. Down." Nagi snarled, pulling out her energy whip and cracking it across Lobo's groin. He immediately dropped the creature as he brought his hands down to soothe his injured region.

"Fetal's... GIZZ!" he groaned. "Why am I lookin' for Supes when I could take it out on your hide, babe?"

"The same reason I haven't run you through on the way over here. The money," Nagi replied. She picked up the animal and held it up once again. "So what have you got for me, Ken-Oh-Ki?" she asked him.

Ken-Oh-Ki shook his head and howled a few times. "Ya cracked my nuts so ya could talk to bunny rabbits?" Lobo croaked.

"We NEED him to track down our target," Nagi explained. "Unfortunately, he's been doing too well so far. Her scent is all over this city, and yet no matter how strong it gets he hasn't found any sign of her. I'd almost think we've pinpointed the wrong person, but her pheromone trail is unmistakable, one of a kind... there's no way that--"

"Hey, you gonna buy somethin' or you just gonna stare all day?"

Nagi spun around to find K'raamdyn leering at the inside of the wooden booth they were standing by. A closer look revealed that it was a newsstand of some kind, with pressed-pulp stacks bound together and bearing printed text. It was the stack on the rack closest to her that caught her attention. She pulled it from its place and reached into her cloak to produce the universal language translator device she kept for just such situations. Holding the lens of the device over the alien lettering, she found the following headline.

"DAILY PLANET--Sunday, December 10, 2000 Price: $1.25"

"SUPERMAN FOILS ALIEN SCIENTIST"

"D.A. TO SIGN SPECIAL WRIT PERMITTING MAN OF STEEL TO EXTRADITE 'WASHUU' TO 'NEAREST INTERSTELLAR LAW-ENFORCEMENT AGENCY'--by Clark Kent"

She continued to scan the article, and everything began to fall into place for her. Somewhat slower on the uptake, Lobo pointed his cigar at the photo of Superman, and then at the one of the 'mysterious researcher', as the caption put it. "Yeah, there's that Big Blue Boy Scout," he commented. "And hey, ain't that the dame we're supposed to be bringin' in?"

"Not quite," Nagi smiled. "But if this article is accurate, this Superman person may take us right to her..." And she folded up the paper and slapped it onto the newsstand with a thud. "Let's get to work."


"--and that's what happened. All in a day's work, I guess."

"Another slice, son?"

Clark Kent picked up his plate and held it out to his mother. "Please," he replied. His mother made the finest rhubarb pie in the state of Kansas, and there was no way he'd pass up another chance to experience such a fine delicacy.

"You know, Martha, I might like to get me a second helping myself..."

Martha Kent slid the pie plate away from her husband as she wedged the spatula in to extract Clark's piece. "Jonathan! You know that you're watching your weight these days. Here you go, son."

Jonathan slumped in his seat and crossed his arms like a child. "Hmmph. You're the one watching my weight. I'm watching our boy get all the desserts from under my nose," he pouted.

"Sorry, Pa," Clark shrugged. This was the sort of thing that relaxed him after a tough week. Metropolis was a great place to live, but every once in a while he needed to check back with his folks in Smallville. It kept him grounded with where he grew up, and as Lois often speculated, it was his "Small-town Midwestern Bible Belt background" that gave him such a unique edge as a journalist in the big city. With competition like his wife, he couldn't afford to pass any opportunity to keep that edge as sharp as he could. And if rhubarb pie, fresh air, and lots of sunlight were the secrets to his success, so be it. He'd just have to find a way to live with it.

"Oh, it's all right, Clark," Jonathan sighed. "But if you wanted my opinion, I'd say you did the right thing taking that girl to her family. I couldn't comment on the legality of something like that, but morally... Well, hard work usually straightens just about anybody out after a while. I imagine that goes for outer space, too."

"I hope so," Clark said. "Honestly, they all seemed like nice people. I figured it was worth giving them a chance to look after their own house this time. And I can relate to the culture clash, especially after all the time I've spent making sure the Fortress of Solitude was safe to install on Earth..."

The conversation was halted by the ring of the kitchen phone. Martha got up to get it. "I'll see who it is--you enjoy your pie, Clark," she offered. She took the receiver from the hook and walked into the next room, extending the cord to its near limit.

"I suppose it must have seemed nice for that boy to have so many other aliens to keep him company," Jonathan mused to himself. "Course, all of 'em being pretty girls wouldn't hurt much either for a young man about that age..."

"No comment," he chuckled. His Pa had always been a fan of science fiction stories since his childhood, and that was what made him so easy for Clark to talk to. Despite leading a pretty simplistic life as a farmer, he was never afraid to explore the weightier concepts of the universe and the amazing wonders it held. It made him a perfect sounding board for when Clark needed to put his adventures as Superman into perspective... and quite possibly what made him such an ideal adoptive father for the sole survivor of a doomed world. "I have to admit, though, it is a tantalizing idea, to be special without being quite so unique. There's something very heartening about it. I may have to find an excuse to visit again some time--"

"Clark, it's Lois!" Martha called. "I... I think you'd better hear it for yourself."

He stood up from his chair and crossed the room, taking the phone from his mother and putting it to his ear. "Yes, Lois? Uh-huh... Right. OK, slow down. Where's Jimmy now? The staff room... he's WHAT? No, don't do anything, I'll be right there. All right, stay calm. Bye."

Clark hung up the phone and headed for the patio door. "I have to get back to Metropolis," he told his parents. "Something's come up... I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out for myself!"

"Go ahead, dear," Martha assured him. "You can tell us all about it later over some leftover pie. Assuming I can keep your father away from it in the meantime..."

"Uh, don't rush back on our account, son!" Jonathan snickered. "Take your time, OK?"

Clark shook his head with a smile and ran out the door. There was a gust of wind, and finally it slammed shut behind him, bouncing twice onto the jamb.


Mihoshi's weakness was her naivete. Washuu's was her easily bruised ego. Ayeka's weakness was her indecisiveness.

Take the onsen for example. Not long ago, the Masaki family had taken their newfound alien guests along on their annual trek to the hot spring in the mountains, only for Mihoshi to drop in on them in her spaceship--among other things. Still, Ryoko enjoyed the experience so much that she decided to construct her own onsen close by the house, using technology Washuu had invented. A flipping thing of beauty, really. The whole structure floated a few feet above a lake, and the sunlight glistened off the surface of the force-field dome that kept the elements from ruining that outdoorsy feel. And hopefully this one wouldn't shatter like that transparent plastic dome Kagato had wrecked, but that was another story.

Anyway, being the swell person she was, Ryoko left it open to everyone. So naturally, on a day like today, with everyone else sleeping, working, or serving hard time in the restroom, Ayeka saw this as a perfect opportunity to spend some time alone with Tenchi.

Which was FINE, really. Honestly. For one thing, it was painfully obvious that Tenchi's affections were reserved for Ryoko, and he couldn't care less about Ayeka. Obvious to anyone except Ayeka, of course. The Jurai princess couldn't get past the notion that since she and Tenchi were related by royal blood, that made them ideal mates. Little things like reality never seemed to alter that perception, but hey.

The other thing was that no matter how carefully Ayeka planned and plotted to win Tenchi's heart, she'd never pull it off because she lacked the drive to... "seal the deal", so to speak. After all, she'd invited him up to the onsen and of course he accepted (bathing seemed to be a favorite pastime among humans), but the baths were segregated, so in her attempt to get intimate with Tenchi, she just wound up throwing a wall between them. Clearly, the thing to do would have been to storm the men's side for a little coed activity, but Ayeka was too shy or proper or ladylike or stupid to follow through with that. So let her do as she pleased, Ryoko figured. One way or another she'd always come up short in the end.

Not that she'd ever understand that, of course. Ryoko had just finished spelling all this out to her and instead of comprehending the truth, she simply started squawking like a wet hen.

"You delinquent vixen!" she spat. "How DARE you imply that I would have such distasteful intentions toward Lord Tenchi!"

"Just a few impartial observations, Princess," Ryoko grinned. "It's in the blood."

"Oh really?" Ayeka challenged. "I wasn't aware ice water was able to carry hereditary characteristics."

"You wanna go? You wanna go?" Ryoko snarled, raising her fists in preparation for a fight.

"Ayeka, please! You shouldn't be fighting in the bath like this..."

"It won't BE a fight," Ayeka said, turning to face the blue haired girl wading behind her. "I had intended something more along the lines of a swift and terrible punishment."

"That's another thing," Ryoko added, regaining her composure. "How far did you expect to get with Tenchi by bringing your kid sister along? Is she supposed to be taking notes on this?"

"I met them as they were leaving the house," Sasami said pleasantly. "I asked if I could go, too."

"You leave Sasami out of this!" Ayeka fumed. "I won't have you corrupting her with your poor example."

"My example?" Ryoko asked. "You're the one teaching her in the ways of avoiding that special someone. Even if by some miracle you ever landed a guy, Princess, what's the pest supposed to do? Mail-order groom? You really need to get out more."

"I was about to say the same thing to you, Ryoko!" Ayeka shouted, raising her arms in an aggressive posture. "You're not wanted here! Get out!"

"It's MY onsen, Your Highness!" Ryoko scowled. "YOU get out."

The two of them paced around each other in a circle and Sasami waded back out of the water to put her towel back on. "Right. I need to get out more," she sighed quietly. "Gee, I wish I were older so I could duel to the death in a spa wearing nothing but a smile..."

Ryoko raised her arms and wisps of colorful light began to swirl around her hands until it had taken the form of a sphere. She then held it out at Ayeka and a stream of the energy poured out at the regent...

...And spilled harmlessly across a translucent force field. Ayeka seemed to wince as she maintained the shield around her person, and when the first shot was finished, she held out her hands and brought them together. Before Ryoko could act, dozens of small wooden blocks came flying out of nowhere and started ramming into her arms and head.

"Owowow-OWIE-ow!" Ryoko shouted. "You wanna play rough, Ayeka? Well, that force field has to give out sooner or later, and I've got lots of time!" And she resumed firing on her rival.

"You... won't... win, you monster!" Ayeka muttered.

As their struggle continued, Sasami noticed Mihoshi enter the spa. "Wow! So what's going on here?" she asked.

"They're fighting again," Sasami said glumly.

"Oh... right," Mihoshi acknowledged.

"See, this is why I stopped coming here," Sasami said. "I don't suppose you could do anything...?"

"What're YOU doing here?" Ryoko demanded as she noticed Mihoshi. "You're supposed to be raking leaves or threatening Washuu with bodily harm or something!"

Mihoshi smiled. "Well, I'm done with the raking. You gave me a great idea before, Ryoko, and when I finished putting the leaves in a pile, I just incinerated them with my blaster!" She reached into her towel and pulled the weapon off of the holster around her hip. "Of course, it left a crater in the yard, but it made the job go twice as fast, you know?"

"Is... she supposed... to be taking notes?" Ayeka scoffed beneath her force field.

"Another demonstration... OW! Quit it! Of my point!" Ryoko replied, trying in vain to duck the wooden blocks while holding her position against Ayeka. "Anyone can just waltz in here--OW! Sonuva--! ...but you brought Tenchi here anyway, thinking this place offered some sort of privacy. I bet Mihoshi showed up just because she couldn't find anyone else back at the house--OW!"

"Actually, I just wanted to find Sasami," Mihoshi explained. "I have to get Miss Washuu her rations, and raking the yard left me hungrier than I would have thought. So..."

"OK!" Sasami said happily. "We might as well go anyway, Mihoshi. I think those two are gonna be using the bath for a while..."

"Ha! Two--OW!--down, Ayeka!" Ryoko mocked. "One to go, and Tenchi's all yours... assuming you don't choke like you always do!"

"Do you take that gun with you EVERYWHERE you go, Mihoshi?" Sasami asked.

"I'll choke you... you..." and Ayeka's reply devolved into a scream. Ryoko began to scream along with her.

"It's Galaxy Police regulation," Mihoshi explained under the screaming. "Well, I could leave it with my clothes, but I don't want to risk losing it..."

"What's going ON in here!?" a voice called, interrupting them both.

Behind Ryoko, the rest of them looked up to see Tenchi standing on the wall separating the ladies' bath from his own. He was still straightening his shorts in place with one hand while brandishing his sword in the other. To complete the image, a towel was wrapped haphazardly around his head, the better to shield his eyes as he stood over the women's bath.

"Tenchi, get down from there, it's not safe!" Mihoshi cried.

"Lord Tenchi, what are you doing?" Ayeka asked over the roar of Ryoko's energy blasts.

"I heard noises," he shouted back. "Thought someone was hurting y--"

"Huh?" Ryoko wheeled around to see just what everyone was talking about and found Tenchi stepping precariously on the edge of the wall. Before she could realize what she'd done, however, the stream of energy from her hands also turned with her body, and it struck the piece of stone that he was standing on, pulverizing it in an instant.

"What's going OOOONNNN!?" Tenchi yelled as he lost his balance and fell backward into the men's bath. There was a splash, and then nothing.

Ryoko powered down and simply stood in place, facing the wall with a blank stare.

"TENCHI!" Sasami cried out.

"Hang on!" Mihoshi shouted, running to the wall and diving over it in a practiced fashion, disappearing to the other side. There were a few splashes, a gasp for air, and a few coughs followed by a weary groan.

"He's OK, I think!" Mihoshi called back to the others. Just bumped his head, and took in a little water, but he seems to be all right now."

Ryoko did nothing as Ayeka and Sasami clambered over the wall.

"Are you sure he's not hurt? Please, Tenchi, speak to me..." Ayeka pleaded.

"Uhh... yeah, I'll be all right. What... what happened? Who attacked us?"

"There's nothing to worry about now," Ayeka said assuringly. "We'll get you back to the house at once. Just lie still for a minute."

Finally Ryoko stepped forward from where she stood and phased her head through the barrier. There she found Tenchi sitting up against the other side of the wall with his eyes squinted as he rubbed the side of his head.

"T-Tenchi?" she said timidly. "I'm sorry, I--I didn't--"

He slowly started to stand up. "Really... it's OK. I think I can make it on my own."

Ayeka took his arm and led him to the door of the bath."All right, but I insist on going with you, just to be safe," Ayeka said.

"I could fly him back," Ryoko offered. "It wouldn't take but a few seconds--"

"I think you've done enough, Ryoko," Ayeka whispered as Tenchi made his way out. "Try to be humane enough to give us a head start before you do anything else."

Ryoko made no reply as Ayeka left, save for phasing back out of the wall and grasping her eyes with one hand, letting a stifled whimper slip past her gritted teeth.

"Oh, she forgot her clothes," Sasami said with a start. "She'll catch cold walking back to the house in that towel..." she ran back to the women's exit. "Wait a minute, Ayeka!"

Mihoshi leaped over the wall to Ryoko and put a hand on her shoulder. "It's all right, Ryoko. It was an accident. There's nothing to be--"

"Save it," Ryoko groused, jerking her shoulder free of Mihoshi. "I'm, ah... gonna go to the restroom for a minute. Be right back... whatever..."


...LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB...

"Did they get back to the house, OK?"

...LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB...

"Yeah, and I think Tenchi was looking a little better. He seemed kind of angry about something, though. How's Ryoko doing?"

...LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB, LUB-DUB...

"Um... I don't know. I've never seen her quite like this before, Sasami. I hope she's not taking it too hard."

Super-hearing wasn't something he generally used to listen in on other people's conversations, but it wasn't the most precise power in his arsenal. If it was any comfort, he had no idea what Detective Mihoshi Kuramitsu and Sasami were talking about. All that mattered was that the object of his search was with them, in that bath house built on a floating piece of rock.

Subtlety was a foreign concept for her. A floating rock that was surely visible for miles. A calling card in his workplace. Well, he knew a thing or two about being conspicuous himself.

The force field around the top of the structure was just strong enough to repel rainfall and heavy winds, but weak enough that a normal person could easily traverse it and force his way inside. How a normal person got UP to the onsen was beyond him, but he wasn't a normal person by any stretch.

For modesty's sake, he switched to infrared vision. Now all he saw were a pair of humanoid-shaped heat patterns in a pool of relatively cooler water. And he landed, eyes shut, just as a show of good faith. He didn't really need to see for this anyway.

"Oh... my..." Mihoshi stammered. "You're BACK!"

"Superman...?" Sasami said in confusion.

"I apologize for the intrusion, ladies," he said brusquely, "but it's important, I promise. Where is she?"

"W-who? What's the matter?" Sasami asked.

"This is the matter!" Superman raised the arm he had been holding behind his back, revealing a small pig in his hand. "He wandered into the Daily Planet building with THIS around his neck." In his other hand, he held up a piece of crumpled paper with the words "HELP! I'M REALLY JIMMY OLSEN!" scribbled in ink. "So I'll ask again. I know she's here, so where is Washuu?"

Before Sasami or Mihoshi could reply, he heard her coming through the entrance to the bath. "Hmmph," Superman muttered. In the blink of an eye, he was there in front of the door, waiting for her to open it. "Your conceit is degenerating into sloppiness, Professor. Yourheartbeat has a distinct pattern like no one else on Earth. You should have known I'd find--"

His stern soliloquy was cut off when the person on the other side of the door came through... without opening it. She phased her head out and looked squarely at the "S" on his chest, then looked up to see the bewildered face looking down at her. "Who the krunk are you supposed to be? The cleaning guy?"

Suffice to say it wasn't Washuu. He'd figured that out as soon as his infrared vision showed the figure was clearly an adult. Out of curiosity, he switched to the visible spectrum, and found the woman had a familiar pattern of spiky steel-blue hair surrounding a pair of elongated ears. Oblong yellow pupils stared up at him in irritation, and finally he examined her cellular makeup microscopically, revealing what her heartbeat had already suggested... "--your daughter?" Superman finished meekly.

"Ohhhhh-kaaayy," Ryoko said, raising an eyebrow. "Listen, it's been one of those days, and I really don't have time for this, so why don't I just squeeze by you and we'll pretend you didn't just barge into the women's bath, cool?" She phased the rest of the way out, and sidestepped him.

"R-ryoko... don't you know who that IS?" Mihoshi stammered.

"Hello? I don't CARE?" Ryoko answered harshly. "As long as he keeps quiet while I soak myself in this tub for the next couple hundred years. If I look like I drown, Sasami, it means I'm only sleeping. Really."

"He told me you were connected to Washuu," Superman mumbled. The pig squirmed out of his grasp and leaped down to the floor for a drink from the bathwater as he started to piece it all together. "Tenchi said you were her creation. I just assumed he was talking about a more sophisticated robot. But the cell structure... the retinal patterns, the regenerative scarring... they all point to the obvious conclusion. Great Scott! Somehow she must have--"

His babbling was interrupted by an explosion on the far wall of the bath. The four occupants all turned to find the cause of the blast, and she stepped in through the new opening to reveal herself. "It's OVER, Ryoko. Deal with it," she announced.

Ryoko's yellow eyes narrowed at the sight of the visitor. "Nagi? Well this just keeps getting better and better..."

"You KNOW this woman, Ryoko?" Mihoshi asked.

"She's too busy to answer questions right now," Nagi said grimly as she walked into the bath. Behind her, she was dragging a box by a rope. When she was close enough to Ryoko, she slung it forward and let it fall between them with a thud. It was a casket. "You can get in there on your own, or I can put what's left of you inside when I'm done. Up to you, Ryoko. Personally, I couldn't give a damn."

"That makes TWO of us, as a matter of fact," Ryoko growled. She flew out of the water and clothing formed around her until she was wearing a red and black costume. "I was PLANNING to bottle it up for a while until an appropriate outlet came along. Looks like you're elected."

"HOLD IT!"

The two enemies stopped to face the cause of this objection. Superman flew between them with outstretched arms. "I don't know what this is about, but there's no way I'm letting you two fight it out without some answers."

"Yeah? And who elected you to be the mediator, Cowboy?" Ryoko demanded. "Why don't you stay out of this and let me settle it my own way?"

"You've served your purpose, hero," Nagi observed. "It's in my hands now. I have no grudge with you, but that all changes if you stand between me and my bounty."

"Bounty?" Superman asked. "On her? Because if you're after Washuu this is all a big mistake--" Before he could go on, Nagi cracked her energy whip around his neck and flung him across the bath in a quick practiced motion.

"It's a mistake. Yours. Don't make it again," Nagi warned.

Mihoshi and Sasami waded out to check on Superman, but he was already back to his feet. "You know, you remind me of a friend of mine out of Gotham City," he said with a grin.

"Fascinating," Nagi replied. She turned to face Ryoko again, but suddenly she was struck from the side with the force of an oncoming car. She found herself in another part of the bath, and looked up to see Superman where she had been standing, his shoulder raised from where he'd slammed into her.

"I'm not afraid of him, either," Superman added.

"Hahahaaaa! Nice one, Nagi!" Ryoko cheered. "Seven centuries older, but you still haven't gotten that clue you sent away for, huh?" She floated to the air and made for the way out. "Well, smell ya later, kid. It's been fun--HUH?"

She found herself halted by something clamping down on her left ankle. "I said I wanted some answers, miss," Superman insisted, tightening his grip on her leg. "What's this bounty about, anyway?"

"Nothing, honest!" Ryoko shouted, attempting to squirm free of his grasp. "The statute of limitations petered out on all that stuff months ago! She's talking out her a--Oh, GREAT!"

Superman looked around to see what she was talking about, and found a large man entering the same way Nagi had come in. "The bounty's about ten thou in credits, Supes! You ain't gonna deprive the Main Man of his bread an' butter are ya? Cause I sure hope you'll try..." The massive albino man cracked his fingers in glee and his red eyes seemed to flash with anticipation.

"Lobo..." Superman said with disdain.

"Like I said, Ryoko," Nagi scowled as she arose from the water, "easy way, hard way, either way leads to that box. I'm quite flexible about it, really."

He looked to see Ryoko massaging her temples firmly. Somehow he felt like he'd be doing the same thing before this was all said and done.


NEXT: Fatal Four-Way!

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